I usually use this blog to post on random occasions about D&D or Conlanging. Today, I want to talk about something different, and more personal.
This is the kind of stuff we generally don’t talk about. But I, for one, am tired of not talking about it. If I learned anything from the late Carrie Fisher, it’s that if you tell everyone you’re a crazy person, it gives you the liberty to act like a crazy person. And I’m tired of hiding from this.
2017 was without question the worst year of my life. A year of heartbreak, uncertainty and struggle on a level which I personally have never dealt with before. Job losses, relationship challenges, career and economic uncertainty, a loss of personal identity, and truthfully, none of those come close to the real problems — the rearing heads of some pretty serious mental health demons.
For any of you who do not know, I have been struggling for some time with severe depression and anxiety disorder. These have been constant companions of mine for all of my adult life, in varying degrees, but have been particularly disruptive the past couple years. It’s a brutal cycle that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies.
I am genuinely surprised – overjoyed, but surprised – to be here. I honestly was pretty unsure about it a few times. The fact that I am is in no doubt due to many of you, blessed friends, who have been there to listen, talk me through things, reach out just to see how I’m doing, invite me to things even when they know I’ll say no, and yes, pound down my door in the middle of the night to make sure I wasn’t about to do something irrevocably stupid (I was asleep, but the concern was legitimate). Words cannot begin to express my gratitude to these people. Thank you.
If this is news, and I’m freaking you out right now, I’m ok. I’m in therapy. I just started a new medication. The last one didn’t really do the trick, but I’ve seen some positive results with this treatment, and though it’s a bit too soon to say for sure, I am hopeful. I have an incredible network of friends who love and support me, and I’m making a lot of positive changes to my life to try to help get this thing back on track.
Because honestly? I’m worth it. I’m pretty goddamn awesome. And it took me a while to realize it, but I WANT to be here, so that I can show everyone just how awesome I really am. I have a lot of art left in me. A lot of fun ideas, and stories, and good times to be had. And I want to share it with all of you, and take in what each of you has to offer as well. We are all awesome. I’m so glad we can be amazing together. I love you all.
Happy 2018.
The Harmonious Wordsmith 